10. Botched Ark Opening – (aka. The undetectable curtain string) Any ark opening delay whatsoever triggers the entire congregation to respond with the “It’s on the other side!” scream coupled with some gabbai flailing hand gestures for further instruction and further humiliation
9. The Asher Bachar Banu, Asher Nasan Lanu Mix-up – The real reason men close their eyes during aliyos : they are praying they remember which line is first.
8. Walking in During Kedusha – Once you see the tippy-toeing Kadosh-Kadosh-Kadosh it’s stop-drop-redlight-greenlight-
7. The Mashiv HaRuach Skip – If you are chazan and you skip this, people will react as if you just ate bacon and had sex with their wife in the kodesh kedoshim.
6. Beating Chest during SHABBOS Shemona Esrai – You think you are so cool davening without a siddur on shabbos, that is until you realize you are in the middle of Slach Lanu.
5. Scarfing: When the Only Tallis Left is The Scarf – In an Orthodox shul, the Scarf tallis has the instant ability of making you look like mix between the pope, Amelia Earhart and someone who has completely no clue of what they are doing.
4. The Delayed Galila: When the torah is taking longer to dress than your wife, you know your screwed.
3. Mourners’ Confusion: You’ve just began to belt out one of the most emotionally stirring kaddish recitations of your entire mourning period when suddenly half the congregation screams: “EHHHHHHHH AAAAH NNNNNUUU SHHHHH!!!” – which is actually the compassionate way of saying in Hebrew,”Kaddish isn’t said now, dumbass”
2. Sitting in Someone’s Seat – How was I supposed to know it was the Rabbi’s seat ?
1. The 1.5 column Hagbah – You know what they say about guys who do small hagbahs…
- Trying to subtley walk out on the Rabbi’s speech and get caught at the door traffic
- Pinhead yarmulkes.
- Take a pre-kiddush bite from the Kiddush just as the doors open to reveal your sin women’s sections. Nough said.
- (If you daven in the back) Turning around early at the end of Lecha Dodi and having everyone still staring right at you. Awkwarrrd.
- Keeping the “pecklach” for your fifty grandchchildren on Shabbos Aufruf instead of hitting the chosson with em.
- actually about the rabbi’s speech…. my family does this… pick one word that he says all the time…. then when he says it yell BINGO….. then duck real fast…….
- Belching/passing gas during rabbis speech
- Did you have a camera in our shul? With the exception of the Scarf tallis, each of the senarios have happened. Scary.
- Number 11. Trying to tie the clasp on the belt that goes around the Torah during G’lilah.
- For Kohanim: When you have to Duchan and you take off your shoes only to realize that you have holes in your socks. When you woke up that morning, did you forget that you were a kohain or did you forget that you were going to duchan? This is especially weird in Israel where the kohaim duchan every day.
Some additional ones:
- Harmonizing the “Ka’Eleh” during Parshas Pinchas/Pesach, then following up with a stupid smirk on your face after it’s done.