Top Ten Synagogue Activities That Make You Look like a Moron

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10.   Botched Ark Opening -   (aka. The undetectable curtain string)  Any ark opening delay whatsoever triggers the entire congregation to respond with the “It’s on the other side!” scream  coupled with some gabbai flailing hand gestures for further instruction  and further humiliation

9.  The  Asher Bachar Banu, Asher Nasan Lanu  Mix-up -  The real reason men close their eyes during aliyos : they are praying they remember which  line is first.

8. Walking in During Kedusha - Once you see the tippy-toeing Kadosh-Kadosh-Kadosh it’s stop-drop-redlight-greenlight-1–2-3-Freeze mode.  You take one step in and you’ve pretty much forfeited getting an aliyah for the next year.

7.  The Mashiv HaRuach Skip  -  If you are chazan and you skip this, people will react as if you just ate bacon and had sex with their wife in the kodesh kedoshim.

6. Beating Chest during  SHABBOS Shemona Esrai -  You think you are so cool davening without a siddur on shabbos, that is until you realize you are in the middle of Slach Lanu.

5. Scarfing: When the Only Tallis Left  is The Scarf -  In an Orthodox shul, the Scarf tallis has the instant ability of making you look like mix between the pope,  Amelia Earhart  and someone who has completely no clue of what they are doing.

4.  The Delayed Galila:  When the torah is taking longer to dress than your wife, you know your screwed.

3. Mourners’ Confusion: You’ve just began to belt out one of the most emotionally stirring kaddish recitations of your entire mourning period when suddenly half the congregation screams: “EHHHHHHHH AAAAH NNNNNUUU SHHHHH!!!” – which is actually the compassionate way of saying in Hebrew,”Kaddish isn’t said now, dumbass”

2.  Sitting in Someone’s Seat - How was I supposed to know it was the Rabbi’s seat ?

1.  The 1.5 column Hagbah - You know what they say about guys who do small hagbahs…

Original post courtesy of Bangitout.com Even more from Bangitout.com comments:

  • Trying to subtley walk out on the Rabbi’s speech and get caught at the door traffic
  • Pinhead yarmulkes.
  • Take a pre-kiddush bite from the Kiddush just as the doors open to reveal your sin women’s sections. Nough said.
  • (If you daven in the back) Turning around early at the end of Lecha Dodi and having everyone still staring right at you. Awkwarrrd.
  •  Keeping the “pecklach” for your fifty grandchchildren on Shabbos Aufruf instead of hitting the chosson with em.
  • actually about the rabbi’s speech…. my family does this… pick one word that he says all the time…. then when he says it yell BINGO….. then duck real fast…….
  • Belching/passing gas during rabbis speech
  • Did you have a camera in our shul? With the exception of the Scarf tallis, each of the senarios have happened. Scary.
  • Number 11. Trying to tie the clasp on the belt that goes around the Torah during G’lilah.
  • For Kohanim: When you have to Duchan and you take off your shoes only to realize that you have holes in your socks. When you woke up that morning, did you forget that you were a kohain or did you forget that you were going to duchan? This is especially weird in Israel where the kohaim duchan every day.
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Some additional ones:

Post By The Chelmisher Rav (60 Posts)

  • Shlemazel

    11. Walking in late during Lecha Dodi, just as everyone is facing the door.

    • http://www.rjhsolutions.ca Rafi Hecht

      Nice one!

      • Shlemazel

        now that’ve started….

        12. Stepping on the person behind you when finishing shemona esrai

        13. Emphasizing a loud “Amen” during birchas kohanim when you know everyone else in the Shul says “Kain Yehira Zton”, just to be different

        14. Davening maariv shemona esrai with super extra kavanna on a motzei shabbos (or midweek business mincha) when you’re one of 10 people making the minyan (and the chazzan, who can start, doesn’t want to offend anyone).

        15. A chazzan singing every song in the (extended) Shachris at the vasikin minyan after leil shavous.

        • http://www.rjhsolutions.ca Rafi Hecht

          Nice! Do they do #15 at Shomrai Shabbos? :-P

          With #14 it depends on Minhag. While the Halacha is a minimum of 6, Lubavitchers won’t start until there’s a minimum of 10. I’m actually serious here.

        • http://www.rjhsolutions.ca Rafi Hecht

          16. Walking in after Yizkor only to notice that “Ashrei” has already been said and the Torah is being brought back. Instead of being able to catch up you have to push your way back to your seat!

        • http://www.rjhsolutions.ca Rafi Hecht

          Even more:

          17. Coming in after Yizkor realizing that everyone is in the middle of Shmoneh Esrei
          18. Doing Psicha on the Aron Hakodesh and not knowing how to properly open/close the Paroches, ending up climbing over the fabric in the process

  • http://www.rjhsolutions.ca Rafi Hecht

    Even more:

    19. Being called for Psicha and, once the reading is over, running like a shmuck to open the Aron HaKodesh so to return the Sefer Torah there.