911 Computerized Service Soon to Go into Action

Because of the many complaints of poor response time when calling 911, the city has decided to install a new modernized state-of-the-art computerized service to handle all incoming calls more efficiently. Now everything will work automatically and there will be no more chance of human error. We hereby give you a preview of the menu that you will receive after dialing 911.

Thank you for dialing the police emergency number. If you are reporting a robbery, press 1. If you are reporting a murder, press 2. If you are reporting a mugging, press 3. It you are reporting a drug problem, press 4. If you need the bomb squad, press 5. If you are reporting child abuse, press 6. If you are reporting none of the above, press 7. If you are reporting all of the above, press 8.

Thank you for pressing 1. If the crime took place within the past hour, press 1. If it happened within the past 24 hours, press 2. If it happened within the last week, press 3. If it happened within the past year, please call your congressman. If it still didn’t happen then please call back latter.

Thank you for pressing 1. If you were robbed of more than $5000, press 1. If you were robbed from between $250 until $5000, press 2. If it was between .50 and $1, please report it to your State Senator. For a live operator press 0 and stay on the line. Please note that there is a $10 charge for every minute.

Thank you for pressing 1. If you are white, press 1. If you are black, press 2. If you are Hispanic, press 3. If you are African, press 4. If you are Chinese, press 5. If you are Cuban, press 6. If you are none of the above please wait for the operator.

Hello, this is Sergeant Costello on the line. Can you please hold for a moment? We’ll be right with you.

Sorry, but all lines are busy now. We do hope you realize that your call is important to us so please stay on the line. If you need the undertaker please press 10. If you have no patience, please hang up and try your call again later! Thank You.

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