Top Ten Evil Villains That Can Be Found in Your Local Neighborhood Shul

10. The Gestapo Gabbai – A delay on opening the aharon kodesh can cost you a year in aliyahs

9. The Candyman – Pashkez is his currency. Teeth are his victims.

8. Scarf-face – He wears his tallis over his face concealing his ultimate plan: to sleep during the rabbi’s speech

7. The Whisperer – One whisper to the rabbi during davening and somehow the rabbi is under his spell

6. Lady Axe-iliary – One touch of the kiddush before adon olam, and she’ll cut off your fingers

5. HafTorah-HafDrunk – He’s in every synagogue in America, and the OU’s Most Wanted Man

4. The Joker – You can’t pass him in shul without hearing the one about the rabbi and the hooker

3. Dr. Avel – His gut-wrenching Kaddish will make you wish you didn’t talk during davening

2. The Vicked Vitch – She can easily overpower you with her long winded conversations, foreign accent, and herring breath

1. The Die-Cantor – His guttural voice always makes the sinister sound of “muuuuuuuuahhhhhhhhahaha”