Irritating Shul Regulars!
- The cantor wannabe – thinks he is the chazzan of the century, but the whole shul groans when they see him step up to the bimah because davening will now take an extra 20 minutes – even on a weekday! Extra special when he puts on the fake cantorial voice.
- Amen-Ye’heh-Shme-Rabba guy – A completely “normal” guy. Comes to shul regularly, davens quietly, doesn’t stand in the wrong place, or tell bad jokes. But as soon as a mourner hits, “v’imru amen” – you can hear him across the shul. It’s only 8 words, but he’s going to say each one out slowly and as loud as he can. When the mourner reaches “brich hu”, he’s up to “rabah”.
- The go at his own pace guy- Everyone has finished saying Kadish, except for one guy who is still a line and a half behind. The whole shul now has to wait for this one guy before they can go on.
- The bad joker teller- He mutters the bad joke to his neighbor, maybe gets a chuckle, and thinks he has gold. He’ll now make sure that everyone else in the shul will hear his joke too.
- The shul announcer– Do we say Tacahnun today? Yes? No? Don’t worry; your announcer will make sure to say out loud what the next thing we are supposed to be saying. It doesn’t matter that the rabbi is there, the announcer is there too.
- Mr. I’ll daven wherever I want to Daven- This us the guy who will daven right in front of the bookshelf, or the door, making it impossible to get by him in order to get what you really need.
- Overzealous Petichah guy- It’s time to take out the torah. So this guy goes and opens the ark, takes out the torah, and then stands and stares at the chazzan until he takes the torah. Have you never been in shul? Do you not know we have to at least pretend to say Brich Shmei?
- Reform Kadish sayer- You know he is there for only 1 reason. You know he is completely lost and has no idea what to do in shul. You know you should help him. You just don’t want to.
- Mr. mind every one else’s business- this is the guy who has to look around the shul and make sure to help you no matter what it is. If your siddur falls while you are in the middle of shmonah esrei, you can bet who will be there giving you his siddur open to the right page. Makes you wonder if this guy is davening or people watching.
- Charity collectors- No. Leave me alone. I’m trying to daven. Besides, you know these guys all smell bad.
- Out loud davener- The Artscroll siddur clearly states that when saying Shmonah Esrei, you have to make sure that you are just loud enough to hear yourself. So for the rest of davening, why not be loud enough for the entire shul to hear? After all, the louder you are, the more kavanah you must have. Why not take away from every one else’s kavanah at the same time?